The Unmothered Child

By Rachel Negar Partiali, Ph.D.  

Although a mother can be physically present to her child, her emotional absence can leave her child feeling unmothered, or motherless. Most mothers intend to care for their child’s needs, but their emotional unavailability may create challenges in doing so. When a mother is emotionally absent she is not only unable to attend to her child’s emotional needs, but she is also unable to care for her own emotional needs. A mother’s lack of emotional attunement may be the result of her preoccupation with external stressors, such as financial hardships or marital discord. Furthermore, her emotional capacity to be attuned to her child may also be compromised by her preoccupation with internal stressors, such as mental health concerns and unresolved past traumas.

A connection between a mother and infant is the infant’s first bond and it creates the foundation for future relationships – relationship with the self, the world, and others. For healthy development to occur, a child needs a caretaker who is attuned to not only his physical needs, but also to his emotional needs.

So, what does it mean to be attuned to a child’s needs?

Attunement is the capacity to recognize another’s needs at any given moment. Since infants and children lack the capacity to express their needs in words, children need caretakers to be able to understand their needs and meet those needs. Parents are often adept at providing for the physical needs of children, but meeting the emotional needs of kids requires greater skill. In essence, it requires the emotional availability of the parent. For a mother to be able to attend to her child’s emotional needs, such as helping him feel his sadness, have a space to express his anger, or cry over a sense of disappointment, she needs to first be able to tolerate and express such emotions within herself. Mothers who have difficulty tolerating difficult feelings within themselves may struggle with allowing their kids to express such feelings overtly. Being emotionally attuned to a child involves making yourself available to your child. For instance, listening to your child express his emotions while suspending judgment and advice will create an intimate connection and give your child the feeling that he matters.

The experience of not having one’s emotional needs met during childhood is traumatic. When we think of trauma, we often think of negative events that occur that overwhelm our psyches. Yet, trauma is not only the negative experiences that happen to us, but also the necessary experiences for healthy development that did not occur. For instance, it is traumatic to a child to not receive appropriate emotional engagement and attunement throughout childhood.

Most mothers bring children into the world in an attempt to love and nurture them, so why would they be emotionally absent to their children?

Although most mothers hope to provide their child with the best mothering possible, their capacity to do so can be compromised due to various factors. It is very likely that the emotionally unavailable mother did not receive adequate nurturing and mothering in her own upbringing. Often, being unmothered gets passed down from one generation to the next if it is not acknowledged and healed. It is also possible that the mother experienced major disruption in her development through experiences of trauma. Trauma that is not acknowledged and healed will prevent the parent from being fully present – not only to her child, but to herself and to her surroundings. Traumatic experiences directly impact our ability to connect. Emotional connection becomes threatening as it triggers feelings associated with the trauma that we are trying to keep at bay. As a way to feel safe, traumatized mothers may distance themselves from intimate connections, including the connection with their child. One of the biggest gifts a mother can give to her child is to become aware of and heal her own emotional wounds.

What does a child experience when her mother is emotionally absent?

The world is an unsafe, lonely place to an unmothered child. When a child has a strong attachment to her mother, she feels a sense of safety in the world and her sense of loneliness is dissipated. Every child needs to feel that she exists in her mother’s mind as a top priority, but this can be a foreign concept to a motherless child. The neglect she feels as a result of her mother’s emotional absence can leave the unmothered child feeling like something is profoundly wrong with her. If her mother did not connect to her adequately, she is left feeling very rejected. This creates a deep-rooted sense of shame, one in which the individual may try to ward off by never getting too emotionally intimate with anyone. The mindset may be, “if I never get too close then my sense of badness can never be exposed. I will spare myself from the anticipatory rejection by staying emotionally distant from others.” To prevent her innate sense of badness from being exposed, the unmothered child confines herself to a lonely life. Even if she is around others and has a partner, her deepest and most vulnerable self is hidden. By warding off intimacy and deep connection, the unmothered child maintains her attachment to her emotionally unavailable mother. In essence, as she is disconnected from others, she remains connected faithfully to her disconnected mother.

Why would the unmothered child maintain her attachment to her unavailable mother if the emotional distance that she experienced in her relationship with her mother brought on so much pain?

The psyche wants mastery over experiences that were once overwhelming. The infant did not have any control over her mother’s emotional availability to her. As an unmothered adult, there is a desire to correct the lack of mothering that was once experienced. The adult hopes to gain mastery over the lack of mothering she experienced during childhood through the recreation of adult experiences that resemble her dynamic with her mother. The hope is that if she recreates a similar experience with future partners, then she will be able to change the outcome of her weak relationship with her mother by creating a healthy relationship with her partner. Her hope is that she will be able to heal her mother wound through other relationships that trigger her mother wound.

The motherless child ends up unconsciously either choosing people who are emotionally not open to intimacy (similar to her mother), or she becomes the emotionally distant partner in the relationship (she becomes her mother). Although she is hoping to heal her mother wound and have the intimacy that she desperately needs, she actually ends up warding off intimacy. In doing so, she is maintaining her internal attachment to her emotionally unavailable mother. This cycle can repeat itself and with each unsuccessful relationship the unmothered child will experience further heartbreak.

"Amma" by R. N. Partiali

How do we move past our mother wound?

A child orphaned by inadequate maternal care may seek many maternal surrogates throughout his/her life, such as mentors, friends, and partners. Unfortunately, such relationships will never cover the emptiness that is left from inadequate mothering. To heal, the mother wound needs to be fully mourned. If we try to heal by seeking partners who we hope will love us the way our mothers should have loved us, we will surely be disappointed. To get out of the cycle of attracting unavailable partners or being unavailable to our partners, we must first recognize that we did not receive adequate mothering. And sadly so, no amount of love and mothering can make up for what we did not receive. Even if an emotionally unavailable mother is able to heal herself now and become available to her adult child, the adult’s childhood wounds won’t disappear.

Fully allowing ourselves to grieve this pain is our way out of the trap of loneliness that is brought on by being motherless. As we grieve not having been mothered we are providing ourselves with the kind of mothering we deserved all along. When we allow ourselves to feel and process this deep pain, we also create emotional space within us for emotionally satisfying relationships to enter our lives. As we mourn our mother’s inability to care for our emotional needs and the impact it has had on us, only then do we open up to the possibility of receiving emotionally connected partners and other relationships that satisfy our emotional needs.

Breaking Through the Tyranny of Trauma

By Rachel Negar Partiali, Ph.D.  

"Trauma" by Norio Shiraishi

Sarah’s daughter just turned seven years old; the same age Sarah was when her uncle molested her. More than ever before, her daughter’s vulnerability reminds her of her stolen innocence. Although she doesn’t want to have such intrusive memories of her past, she can’t help but feel the terror and sense of betrayal she felt as a little girl. Such feelings seem to overtake her at times, leaving her paralyzed with fear, distrustful of intimacy, and unable to fully connect with her daughter.  

Charlie and his boyfriend, Shawn, have a tumultuous relationship, which Charlie attributes to Shawn’s criticism of him. Charlie withdraws every time he feels emotionally attacked by Shawn, which only increases the tension in their relationship. With every criticism, Charlie hears his immensely hypercritical and angry mother in the back of his mind. He vividly recounts memories of his mother berating him for seemingly innocuous things, and shaming him to the point where he would shut down to numb himself from his emotional pain.

Trauma, whether physical, sexual, or emotional, profoundly impacts our relationships with ourselves, others, and our environment. We carry our past wounds with us throughout our lives until we acknowledge and heal those wounds. Undoubtedly, life, people, and our environment will trigger the pain of our past that once lay dormant within us. When such painful experiences come alive within us, it can feel like we are trapped in our own minds and it can be hard to know what to do to move past our pain.

Often, our painful past resurface in the context of a relationship with someone we love, leaving us feeling an array of emotions. It can feel very confusing when the partner we love triggers so much pain within us. It may be hard to distinguish whether they are the ones inflicting pain on us, or they are triggering the wounding that already exists in our psyches.

Some turn to distractions to numb themselves from their pain. Distractions can provide immediate relief from pain, whether it is through the use of drugs and alcohol, engrossing ourselves in work and exercise, or immersing all of our energies into our children. Regardless of whether we choose “healthy” or “unhealthy” distractions, the fact that still remains is that all these coping mechanisms distract us from our pain.  

What’s wrong with distracting ourselves from the pain of our past traumas?

"Trapped" by Laura Carter 

Although initially very appealing, distractions actually prolong our suffering. The childhood traumas that we refuse to look at, create a relationship with, and fully feel do not disappear when we turn away from them. We cannot heal what we push away and don’t allow ourselves to fully feel. Every time we turn away from our pain we, in turn, are abandoning the most wounded parts of ourselves. Ironically, we turn away from our traumas, just as others around us may have forsaken us during and after our traumatic experiences. Avoiding our past pains comes at a high cost. When we numb ourselves from our pain, we inadvertently deaden our capacity to feel fully alive.

What is the impact of unhealed trauma on our present lives?

Our experiences of trauma impact our outlook of the world. Let’s go back to Sarah and Charlie. From a short snapshot of their lives, we can see that their past traumas are affecting their current relationships. Sarah’s memories of her own childhood sexual abuse is impacting her ability to be fully present to her daughter, and Charlie is unable to navigate his relationship with his partner due to his unresolved emotions about his abusive mother. In both cases, their traumatic past is very alive and active in determining their way of being in the world.

Dr. Van der Kolk, a trauma researcher, states that our traumatic experiences are stored in our bodies. In essence, our bodies remember what happened to us even if our psyche does not have conscious awareness of the event. Therefore, he states, “it takes tremendous energy to keep functioning while carrying the memory of terror, and shame of utter weakness and vulnerability” (Van der Kolk, 2014). Without realizing it, we are carrying the emotional heaviness of our unhealed wounds in every encounter we have. The energy we spend in doing that takes away from the energy we can put toward things that bring joy, happiness, and fulfillment in our lives.

So, how do we heal from our traumatic past?

The path to healing our past is to bring our awareness to our pain, creating a relationship with our emotions, and allowing ourselves to fully feel whatever emotions exists within us. In essence, we are not trying to fix a feeling or get rid of an emotion; we want to be in relationship to it. This can be a very difficult process to do alone, especially since the feelings that we avoid are the ones that terrorize our whole system. Therapy can provide the safety to revisit our past traumas, to feel the feelings associated with the trauma in a way that feels manageable and does not leave us further traumatized. The relationship with our therapist can also restore our shattered sense of safety, given that trauma disrupts our sense of safety in the world.

Whatever way we have been dealing with our traumatic past, it is important to note that we were trying to cope and adapt to our environment the best way we knew. Dr. Van der Kolk asserts that to fully heal from our past wounds, we need to inhabit all dimensions of ourselves. This means that not only do we need to create awareness and a relationship to our emotions, but we also need to come back to our bodies.

To break away from the tyranny of our past, we need to integrate our mind and body. Moving away from a dissociated relationship to our bodies can be difficult. Creating awareness of our bodies means feeling the gnawing discomfort that lives within us. Often times, as we turn to our bodies we can become aware of how unaware we are of how we’re feeling. Our trauma led to a mistrust of our bodies and to our gut feelings. This mistrust can make us inaccurately perceive threat in our environment or overlook actual threat, creating an overall antagonistic relationship with our bodies.

How do we move away from this dissociation and antagonistic relationship with our bodies?

"In My Own Skin" by R. N. Partiali

We must befriend our bodies, and all the sensations that live within us. We need to become aware of how our bodies respond to our environment. If Charlie tuned into his body, he may become aware that every time he senses his partner being remotely critical of him, he tenses up and becomes defensive. In addition to therapy where we can learn to tolerate and befriend the sensorial counterparts within us, we can incorporate physical activities that enable us to slow down and tune in with ourselves. For example, yoga practices are an excellent way to connect with our bodies. Dance can also be a great way to give expression to the emotions that live within us.

Living in our bodies both makes us confront our emotions, but it is also our only way to feel alive.

We all experience trauma throughout our lives, although the type and severity varies from person to person. Although we didn’t have control over the occurrence of the traumatic experience, we now have the capacity to heal ourselves from the continual re-experiencing of the tyranny we once faced. Although the perpetrator of our deepest wounds may not be in our lives or may no longer be alive, the trauma we once experienced can be on replay in our minds until we heal our pain. And herein lies our power. We have the capacity to free ourselves from the continual reliving of terror. The path is not easy, as I can attest from both personal and professional experience, but it is possible. It is important to remember that it takes tremendous strength to live through and survive a trauma. Channeling this strength to turn inward can be our guide in our path toward emotional freedom from a traumatic past.

Van der Kolk, B. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma.  New York, New York: Penguin Books.

Honoring Her

By Rachel Negar Partiali, Ph.D. 

"Dance Around the Dove of Peace" by Picasso

We live in a narcissistically-prone society that equates emotional vulnerability with weakness, and inaction with laziness. Emotional expressiveness and allowing room for stillness are often overlooked as being important for our personal growth.

Our society emphasizes masculine traits and downplays the role of feminine ones. What is glorified are masculine qualities that are associated with doing, such as logical decision-making, task orientation, competitiveness, assertiveness, and analytical and concrete thinking. These characteristics are viewed as necessary to produce results that carry high value in our society. What is less esteemed are feminine traits represented by the part of us that is intuitive, creative, receptive, emotive, and compassionate. These characteristics are what enable us to surrender, create connections, and relate to other people.

Our femininity is the part of us that is about being.

Regardless of our gender, we each have feminine and masculine parts within us. Neither quality is more valuable than the other. In fact, an integration of both qualities is needed for an individual to experience the fullness of his/her identity. The problem arises when one aspect of our identity is devalued, overlooked, or even disparaged in relation to another.

It seems like society, as a whole, has a preference for masculine traits. Whether it’s matriculating through the school system or climbing up the corporate ladder, we are constantly evaluated and rewarded for producing results. Creating the openness to be with the deepest parts of ourselves, to nourish ourselves, and to receive, is something we have to learn to see as important.

When we only tend to our masculine side and neglect to emotionally nourish ourselves, we end up feeling overwhelmed and depleted. Benjamin Hunnicutt, a leisure researcher, says that when we do not attend to our femininity “we starve the capacity we have to love.”

International Women’s Day is celebrated globally every year on March 8th. It is the day where we can celebrate and honor the women in our lives, and the women who have made heroic contributions to our society. But March 8th also is a day where we can consciously choose to honor “her.” The “her” I am referring to is our own femininity. This is the part of our psyche that seeks inner expansion, rather than being preoccupied with seeking expansion in the outer world. 

What is the importance of nourishing our femininity?

• Nurturing our femininity enhances our ability to connect, whether it is connecting to ourselves or connecting to others. The more we can connect to ourselves and others, the deeper our level of satisfaction with life.
• Nourishing ourselves from the inside is the antidote to living an empty existence.
• Allowing space for our feelings to be fully expressed can dissipate psychological symptoms such as anxiety and depression.
• Developing a sense of self-compassion helps foster feelings of inner peace.
• Stillness is the precursor to creation. When we are still we become open to wisdom and creativity.

All of these reasons to nurture our femininity may sound great, but how can we do this?

There is no single way to give space to the expression of our femininity. We can choose to honor “her” in a way that feels intuitively right for us. Some suggestions include

• Spend time alone, allowing space for your imagination to take over.
• Dedicate time to meditate daily.
• Allow space for healthy expression of your feelings through creative activity, especially the feelings you do not necessarily like (i.e., journaling, painting, dancing).
• Surround yourself with beauty. Spend time in nature, or buy yourself flowers.
• Throughout the day, make mindful intentions to connect to your body. Check in with yourself by asking, “How is my body feeling right now? Where do I feel tension in my body?”
• Create deep and meaningful relationships with others. Allow yourself to have conversations where you may end up feeling vulnerable, giving a chance for the other person to see the authentic you.

We don’t have to wait once a year to pay homage to our femininity and to the feminine figures who have changed history for the better. I choose to honor “her” today, and everyday. I hope you will join me.  

The Courageous Path

By Rachel Negar Partiali, Ph.D.  

Photograph by Giles Clarke

 Walking up the stairs to see my therapist, I always felt the visceral sensations of my pounding heart and a lump in my throat. A mixture of anxiety and excitement filled me as I eagerly waited in the waiting room with several other brave souls. Sitting there reminded me of the anticipation I felt during grade school, when I would vigilantly wait to see who would get picked first for the softball team. I guess, in more ways than one, the experience of being in therapy evokes childhood feelings, sensations, and even, latent fears; this is why many stay away from therapy.

Regressing to a state where we not only recount our early experiences but we relive the feelings that we have so carefully compartmentalized and pushed out of consciousness can feel like we are losing control. Along with the fear of facing our hidden wounds, our trepidation toward committing to therapy can be rooted in our fear of dependency.

But why would we fear being emotional dependent on another person?

As children, we had no choice but to be dependent on our parents and caregivers. Not only were we reliant on them for our basic survival needs, but also for our emotional well being. Although they did the best they could to provide for us, we undoubtedly experienced disappointments from their failed attempts to care for us the way we needed to be cared for.

Growing up, many of us made silent promises to ourselves to never be placed in situations where we would be reliant on another. We chose to avoid the powerlessness of being at the mercy of someone else, even if it caused us emotional suffering. Yet, allowing such dependency is vital for our growth. Just as a child needs to crawl before she can learn to walk; to reach a state of interdependence, we must go through healthy stages of dependency.

So, what is healthy dependency?

It is allowing ourselves to be emotionally dependent on our therapist. To allow ourselves to be helped by our therapist, taken care of by him/her, and even allowing ourselves to need our therapist. By doing so, we permit those aspects that have been tucked away in our unconscious mind to come forth and be observed. The only way to have influence on the aspects of us that are buried deep in our unconsciousness is to have awareness of those parts.

For those of us who have chosen to embrace our fears, and have committed to our therapeutic work, the road is not painless. What often leads us to therapy is the realization that the suffering we currently feel is far greater than the pain we will feel confronting our past. As so beautifully stated by Anaïs Nin,

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”  

Although the road to healing is a conscious journey toward, rather than away from, our pain; the initial experience of being in therapy can provide a sense of relief. Being in the presence of an empathic, nonjudgmental therapist can even help us feel seen for the first time. This initial stage of therapy is often followed by coming into contact with uncomfortable feelings that have been hidden and ignored by us. As we become aware of our emotions, we also start to experience those emotions. With the resurfacing of feelings we may, at times, feel like we are in the midst of a storm. With the help of our therapist, we can navigate unknown territory and weather the many storms we will face.

Being in therapy is a courageous path. It is a path where we plunge into our own darkness, and create a relationship with our shadowy parts. What is being called for is our faith in ourselves, trust in another, and the enlivening of hope. Through our healing journey, we hold on to the hope of possibilities to come - the hope for a life in which we can feel truly alive.

For those of you that have chosen the courageous path, bravo! I commend your courage. For those of you who have dabbled with the idea of going to therapy, but have not committed to the process, I invite you to look within and know that you have the courage to face your pain. Not only do you have the courage, but you deserve to have a life where you are not driven by the pain of your past. If you decide to take this inner journey, remember that you are not broken, but you can break through your past wounds; to create a life where you truly come alive.

Podcast Episode - "Don't Abandon Me" Emotional Self-Care and How To Be With Ourselves

Dr. Partiali's portion of the podcast starts at 47min.

Today's talk is called "Don't Abandon Me" and it's about emotional self-care and how to be with ourselves. Give it a listen and let me know what you think?